Almost ten years ago, someone sent me a really sweet e-mail about having a child. The e-mail was written from a mother's perspective about her feelings for her child at every age. One of the lines stood out as I read it then, and has presented itself to me time and time again. It said something like, "Mothers must be prepared to wear every emotion on their sleeve; to have every wound drenched in salt & alcohol, to have every elation magnified by 20. That's because mothers experience every emotion of their child in addition to their own." It's a feeling like no other.
That line has crossed my mind in times of heartache & in times of happiness. When my son was 5, he slipped on a tandem bike, cutting his knee open on the oily chainring. While holding him down in the ER, as he got seven staples in his knee, I cried harder than he cried. As horrific as his pain was, I know mine was worse-not being able to take his away. As crazy as it sounds, I felt that pain. I throbbed & ached. I swear I could feel every agonizing second. It haunted me for weeks as he showed off his cool new scar in the shape of an "S" for "SuperPreston".
If I only felt those negative emotions, motherhood would really suck. But, thank God, I get to feel really great emotions as well. Today was one of those days.
As Vic loaded up our bikes to head to a nearby community college parking lot, Preston was readying himself for his maiden voyage on a real roadbike. Preston has spent quite some time on the trainer during our exceptionally cold winter & has been dying to get on the road. Preston was in his cold weather gear & ready to conquer the world. After some advice from dad & a couple of failed attempts to get going & hop onto the seat, he hung his head & tears the size of Texas began falling. "I can't do it," he said. My heart began to break for him as he thought he'd automatically know how to do it. His dad was amazing as he gently coaxed him into trying again, wiping tears away, and never letting his boy go. I fought back my tears too, as I knew he wanted to do it perfectly. He did try again, and with success! He wobbled a little as his foot struggled to turn the pedal over to find the clip...as it did, his speed increased and the boy sat more into position. He leaned with the bike, not against it; no fight to balance, no problems with finding the best placement for his hands. He looked so beautiful out there. He yelled, "I DID IT!!" as he continued to ride away from us. This was the beginning of what would become just under 4 miles of riding for him today. I took some pictures with my phone but they were a little shaky. The emotion in me was overwhelming. I felt his feelings again. It wasn't the feeling of accomplishment or success like I thought it would be. It was feelings of freedom, of the joy of future rides with friends & family, and of pure sunshine. Today was my Mother's Day.